He's officially her boyfriend.

So hey. Guess what am I doing right now? Crying. Yes, I've been crying for the pass few hours and I think it's to be continued after I've done the cleaning and stuff. The tear factory is being very active today, seriously. 

The itchy hand moved the mouse and pointed to your name on Facebook, Jeroen. My mind did ask me not to check you out, like it could sense some of the bad thing gonna happen. Great, it really did. I saw you are in a relationship with a cute chubby blonde named Jet. Wow. New and fresh status update for today. The next second, the naughty tears streamed down from the eyes. Sorry for being to weak. You couldn't do anything but just, please feel guilty because I'd curse you a lot. My precious tears feel like want to being released today, no, that's not a good idea, baby tears.  

Oh wow Jet. Let's check you out. Not bad. Just realized your anniversary is 2nd November. Cool. Mine is 2nd July, with your current lovely boyfriend. Should I tell you, you're actually the 12th girlfriend of him? Should I inbox you a message? Ah. Whatever. Have fun. He's gonna have STD, good luck. Make sure you're safe when you sleep with him, I know you're the victim as well or you are willing to be the one, anyways, still the same phrase for you, HAVE FUN. Been together for almost 2 months huh? Cool. You love beers and party, so does he. Ah, see, both of you look great together. Ya right. I don't drink. I don't party a lot. I don't paint the face like you, some cute blue colour faces. I don't speak Dutch, in case I don't know anything but only "HOI" which means hi. I'm so not outgoing like you. Hey, can you speak proper English? Or  at least broken English like me? Don't think you can. Your wall fulls with the Dutch language, gosh, can I stop translating your conversation and status? No way. 

Jerk and Jet. Not bad. The name for this couple sounds wonderful. Hoi Jeroen, do you think I would not talk about you? Oh course not. I'll type you some interesting posts, coming soon. 

Play with the tears. Bye

It's your option, anything.

The connection sucks today because it's reached the package quota that I've signed. It took me about 20 mins to start this post. So basically, many thoughts appeared again while I was taking my wonderful shower. To be frank, the brain can function really well and stay conscious even though that's just a 15-20mins shower time.Yes, gotta swear the perfect moment of the day would be the shower time. Great thing is by taking a shower, it could wash away the dust on the body as well as the tiredness of mind and what you can feel is the freshness. So honestly, I loathe people call my name or disturb me when I am enjoying my precious piece of time in my own heaven.

So, 2 days to the Christmas Eve. The guest list looks okay. I've sent the invitations to almost 14 persons and guess how many are attending this Friday evening? Cool, around 5 outta 14 are the confirmed guest. If you think I'm unhappy with the number of guests who's going to attend the party, you're totally wrong. Personally the amount is okay just that something is making me frown the eyebrows for a few days and well, I don't want to talk about it. OKAY, I'm going to tell you a bit of the dramatic story.

Yes, they think I'm the one who has problem with the particular someone that I'm inviting but why don't they try to change to think this way? A bestie of mine told me this: "Ya maybe she knows you don't like her so she's not joining." Oh, that moment, I think me and her have some splits in the way of thinking regardless the > 10 years of friendship. I wouldn't invite her if she has pissed me off. That's why people who have just met me would always ask the question, " How old are you? " At first, the first thing comes into my mind would be this person is going to say I look older than the actually age or something. Well, not. I'm glad that I might have been through many things at this age. Hopefully you get what I mean. Oh come on, fully not praising myself like how great am I, how bad you are. Just accept the truth and facts, it is because of people told me that way so I'm here to write whatever they think of me. However, do you think I will settle the problem? No, just let it be. I'm not that kind of people who will beg you like a beggar. It's definitely her choice to come or not to, as long as the fact is I've invited her and she refuses to attend. 

It's okay who do think you are, Stefanie? Everyone is born to have lovers, supporters and also haters. Another true fact is, even Jesus has haters. Best friends will stay and the family members are your fans, they just accept whoever you are. Maybe my physical appearance has cheated some of you. You might think, " Oh wow, you are so good and friendly and bla bla bla" Alright, I won't trust you if we only had like few minutes conversation perhaps? Actually I choose people to be my friend, based on my sixth sense, your attitude and the most important thing, your heart. The qualification, I named them.

Everyone can be your friend, but you have to choose wisely, who is worth a chance of being your true friend because the heart is invisible. Someone may look macho or pretty, can you see the real color of his/her heart? Maroon, oh cool. Then what about the deepest part of the heart? It can store lies and bad thoughts.Who doesn't know to speak cheesy words? Unless the person can't speak. Even the coma people can think although they can't move and in a deep sleep. So, only a few limited seats in my heart. Sorry to tell you if you're not a part of the audiences that I'm willing to tell you my stories of life. 

So, the compliments from true friends could be the encouragement as they appreciate what you've done to them secretly. I appreciate that. After so long, what's the main point of typing this point? Erm, no idea, just to murmur about the real me. I'm happy to be me but sad for you because you can't be me. :) Bye.

P.S: Frown eyebrows have turn into a big wide smile, writing is my best friend. *ignore the weak grammar*

24th Dec 2010

To do list for the Christmas Eve house party.

1. Gotta buy the ingredients to bake cookies!
2. Food Food and Food, how can I miss it?
3. Soda drinks or fruit juice? To be confirmed.
4. Luckily the house deco has done! Satisfaction.
5. Grocery shopping,frieds and nuggets!

short update 1

I'm actually typing this post by using my Blackberry and I think it's quite interesting. :) To be honest, I feel empty right now. Supposed to read the law notes but I ended up had some conversations with the family. I just don't feel like touching the notes, they are annoying, I hate them to the max. Ironically, I wish to pass the subject. Maybe not to say Pass, I'm aiming to score at least a B in order for me to get the loan for the next semester.

Got the coursework marks this Monday, satisfied with finance result but not the English one. Rate for finance is 34/50 whereas the English, which I've spent most of the time on doing that, I scored 26/50. The super strict lecturer would never understand the feeling. The highest mark is 27. So, should I be happy or what since my ranking is the second highest in the class?
It's not easy to pass the coursework though, especially English. That's the result of doing few assignments,a presentation, a role play and two tests. Everyone is complaining. :(

Anyway, I will be going to study Law in 2 hours with my friend who is a Law student. Hope he can help me to overcome the obstancles. :)

Not lost, just desperate.

Sometimes, I do feel like I'm lost even though I'm not. You can provide me a campus. You can sponsor me the flight tickets. You can console me. You can do whatever that makes me feel happy. But, those methods do not help much.

For what? He's so far away from me, I've no power to control what he wants to do. He wants to live in his own way. He involves himself in parties, beers and fraternity. He is enjoying his life. Although he was so good to you, come on, he's just a 20 years old boy. Why did you take thing so serious, bunny? The commitments were craps. Plus, you are far apart from him now, he has the ability and the right to do this. Why? Oh, Ello, who do you think you are, bunny? He's being so selfish. True. I actually mean nothing to him. I received the message he wanted to deliver just that I don't want to admit this is happening and try to deny.

I'm stressed. Tons of assignment to be done, fortunately I can still handle them. Try to make friend with Mr.Busy, this fellow is not really helpful though. He can only accompany for some period. Okay. I know where does the stress come from. This invisible thing is torturing me mentally and physically. Thought that I was able to get rid of it, perhaps by drinking alcohol? Nope. Martini couldn't numb my sadness and it failed to make me got drunk. I even danced like a mad slutty bitch on the stage, ignored the audiences, but still useless. That Thursday night, was 4th of November, if we are still friendly footing, that would be our 4 moths anniversary. The day, I could still barely see him stood in the crowd, the tallest one among the people, looked and smiled at me like what he did few months ago.

Bunny, that was just illusion and your imagination. To be true, he wasn't there. Bunny, he wasn't there! You were mad bunny. You were.

My current feeling is so indescribable. Hold me tight, please? Or maybe, lend me a shoulder. I will pay you.